CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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