Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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