Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize