I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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