how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
