I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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