how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
