I'm going to jail i love you
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
