so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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