i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
