Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
