At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
