Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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