Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize