I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
