Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
