it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize