Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
