Got a toothbrush?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
