yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
even my farts smell like vagina
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
