Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize