Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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