I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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