Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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