When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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