where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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