this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
