I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
