I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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