you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
