what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
