Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Randomize
