Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
