Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
