when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
