how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
