my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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