Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
