Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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