you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
