i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
