I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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