I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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