Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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