I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize