Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Someone shit on the floor
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
