I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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