I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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