No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
