I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize