This girl is more easily done than said...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
