Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
