It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
