I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
