I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
