So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
