dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
