just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
